What I Wish My Friends Knew About Starting the Death Talk

Title: (This is the one we wrote earlier — now polished as a full post)

I’ve done this four times now. Four times I’ve sat at someone’s kitchen table, hospital bedside, or living-room couch and said the words “What do you actually want when the time comes?” Four times I’ve watched the air change in the room. And four times I’ve seen the relief that shows up (eventually) when the conversation is over.

Here’s what I wish my friends understood before they squirm, joke, or change the subject:

1. It doesn’t have to be dark and dramatic. The best conversations I’ve ever had started with something tiny: “Hey, I’m filling out this form and it asks who should make decisions if you can’t. Who do you trust most?”

2. Avoiding it doesn’t make it go away; it just hands the steering wheel to strangers. I’ve watched that movie on repeat, and the ending is almost always regret.

3. You are not “jinxing” anyone by talking about it. The jinx is silence.

4. Most people secretly want to talk; they’re just waiting for someone else to go first. Most of the time I’ve brought it up, the person exhaled and said, “I’ve been wanting to do something but didn't know how to go about it.”

5. It’s one of the kindest things you will ever do for the people you love.

So if you’ve been putting it off, borrow my courage for five minutes. Start with the smallest true sentence you can manage.

And if you need help finding the words (or figuring out what to do after the talk), that’s exactly why I built Calm Crossing.

With love (and zero wiggling),

Jessica